Tears - Fri. 6th October

This morning, to my surprise, I cried in the presence of my doctor. He was very understanding. Once I started to talk about: the headaches, the loss of memory, concentration and the exhaustion; the loss of identity ("what do you do?"), the social isolation and loneliness of endless nights awake, alone - well, it unpopped an emotional cork.

Nearly three years, and still no end in sight. No plaster casts to show my disability. "It's all in the mind," says the amateur psychologist ( see article, for a reply to this misunderstanding: ). "I saw him walking his dog the other day!" Yes, I can still walk, but you don't know how I feel; you don't know what it takes for me to appear normal. You don't see me in the dead of early morning, or know the sticky-eyed befuddlement which I see through, sometimes. Do I feel sorry for myself? Yes, a bit - sometimes...

When will it end?

Lie Down or Live - Thurs. 5th October

I am currently experiencing one of my headache phases (normally last about three days). Had a real slow 'creeper' this morning. I should probably lie down for a while, but I am so completely sick of lying down! There is not any form of medication which can soothe these bastard heads, so I have just got to live with them.

I am tempted to go for a walk, but am worried about the pain worsening until it is almost unbearable to take a step (this has happened to me previously!). I think I will try pottering about doing some housework for a while. Then, if things feel better I may venture out. It might not be exciting, but housework gives tangible results, and when you feel like this it is gratifying to achieve anything. I am reminded of my teaching days, when I would try and downsize the learning objectives in order for less able learners to gain a feeling of achievement. This is what I often try and do myself - now that I am less able in some ways (the phrasing is deliberate, and I intend to return to this in a future post).

This brings me on to a further point about Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS). We sufferers often have to re-programme ourselves as we strive to regain health. Prior to my 'trigger' illness, I was a high-octane personality; always tearing into things. This way of living is not sustainable for me now, and I find it so difficult to change my ways. Indeed, it is this habituated tendency to rev-up which makes my 'up' periods so precarious. I have learnt (slowly!) that I have to stay within my capabilities when I am feeling better, otherwise I crash. On the other hand, it is important not to allow this fear to hold you back from re-entering the world. We tread a fine line here...